American Horror Story in Two Minutes (Episode: Murder House)

It’s time to recap Season 1, Episode 3. Here we go:

The episode started out with a flashback to 1983. The (young) maid was making the bed and a man walked in. The man’s all, “lookin’ good hot stuff” and the maid is all “let me just do my job” and the man’s all “that’s not what you said last week” and the maid’s all “that was a mistake” and the man’s all “but I wanna do the horizontal mambo now” and the maid is all “leave me alone.” So the man tries to rape her.

Constance walks in during the attempted rape, tells the man he’s broken her heart for the last time, and then shoots the maid in the eye (now we know why the old maid has a white eye) and kills the man.

Back to present time.

Vivien wants to move out of the house as soon as possible, but Ben informs her that they’ve lost a lot of money through their broker and they can’t afford a new house until they sell the current one. They decide they do have enough money to get a small studio apartment in the meantime, but Violet (the daughter) doesn’t want to move and threatens to run away if they do. Vivien puts the house up for sale anyway.

While the realtor was putting up a for sale sign, Constance walks by the house and sees Tate in the window and waves. When the realtor looks up, she doesn’t see him. (Confirmation that Tate is a ghost, maybe?)

Ben treats a new patient in the house. (Why, it’s Tara’s mom from True Blood!)

Ben tries to pay attention to his patient but she’s super boring and also super depressed at how super boring she is. It doesn’t help that the maid spiked the coffee he was drinking either, so he falls asleep during the session. When he wakes up, he’s in the yard with a shovel next to him and his patient is gone.

Ben goes back inside the house and the young maid tries to lure Ben with her feminine maid-like wiles.

But Ben knows he’s been drugged. He also notices the tape recorder he uses for his sessions is gone. So, he gets pissed, blames the maid, and tries to fire her. But the maid says that Ben was the one that made a pass at her and if she loses her job, she’ll press charges.

While Vivien was working in the garden, a trolley tour of L.A. murder sites stops in front of the house. She decides to take the tour herself to hear what they are saying about the house.

She learns that an unsuccessful doctor performed abortions to make ends meet in the house with the help of his wife in the 1920s. (Enough prepositional phrases for you? Also, can there BE any more murders in this house?) After the story, Vivien notices blood on her pants. She runs inside the house because she’s worried she’s having another miscarriage. Once she gets in the house, she stops bleeding. Hmmmm.

Later on, Ben finds Hayden, the woman he had an affair with, waiting in his home.

(That picture isn’t from the episode, it’s just so you know what she looks like.)

She didn’t get the abortion after all, and she’s moving out to California so Ben can support her. She’s a total nut job and threatens to tell Vivian about the baby. Ben gets her out of the house by making a date to meet and talk with her later.

In the meantime, Ben passes out again (say whaaa?) and when he wakes up, he’s outside snuggling with the shovel again. He also started digging a hole in the yard but he doesn’t remember doing it.

A detective visits Ben to tell him that his boring patient committed suicide and that she had taken his tape recorder. While the cop is over, he sees the young maid. Then, it’s mentioned that women can see a person’s soul and men only see what they want to see. (Now we know why Ben sees the young maid and everyone else sees the old maid.) Also, I hope this is true in real life because that means I can get fat and ugly and it won’t matter.

With all the police stuff going on at the house, Ben forgets his meeting with his other baby-mama. She gets pissed that he didn’t show and comes to the house again to tell Vivian about the baby. That’s when Larry,  the creepy dude with the burned face that warned Ben about the house in the first episode, shows up out of nowhere and hits her in the face with a shovel. Then Larry helps Ben dispose of the body.

(Didn’t make that up, he really asked for $1000 to start his acting career. WTF?)

Good thing Ben’s been passing out and digging holes in the yard already. This works out perfectly for burying bodies!

While digging the hole, Ben and Larry find the remains of someone wearing a maid’s uniform. Seems totally normal to dig a hole and find a grave already there, that’s what I say.

So, Ben and Larry dump the body of the baby-mama in the hole on top of the other remains, cover it up with dirt, then cement, and build the fastest gazebo ever on top of it. Constance and the maid watch from the window and Constance mentions that the maid will never be able to leave now. (Confirmation that the maid is a ghost and bound to the house like Tate, maybe?)

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Alright, so I didn’t LOVE this episode. But I did think it was cool that we’re already getting some answers to some of the stuff going on. What did you think?

Past recaps: Pilot, Episode 2

American Horror Story in Two Minutes (Episode: Home Invasion)

It’s American Horror Story recap time. That means: this post contains spoilers. If you have not watched it and plan to, don’t read this.

If you missed the recap of the pilot episode, you can see it here.  Alright, here we go with Season 1, Episode 2.

The episode starts with a flashback to 1968 when other owners lived in the house. Maybe it was nursing school housing of some sort? Anyway, there was one girl (a student) and a caretaker (a nurse) at home when there was a knock on the door by a man bleeding from the head and asking for help. They let the man in. When they discover he is not really hurt, the man hog-ties the girl downstairs and stabs her and drowns the caretaker in the bathtub upstairs.

Back in present time, Jessica Lange (Constance, the next door neighbor) visits the house. She tells Connie Britton (Vivien) completely normal stuff, like how she can “smell” that she’s pregnant. She also brings Violet (the daughter) some cupcakes, but Violet isn’t home.

Dylan McDermott (Ben) and Vivien want to eat one of the cupcakes but Constance is insistent that they are only for Violet.

Ben has another psychiatric session with Tate, the creepy dude that might be a demon and briefly dated Violet until he got too creepy.

Tate tells Ben all sorts of things that Ben loves to hear, like how he fantasizes about having sex with his daughter and how he knows about Ben cheating on his wife. During Tate’s session, Ben receives a call from the woman he had the affair with. She’s pregnant and she wants him to be with her while she gets an abortion.

After Tate’s session, Ben treats a girl named Bianca. Bianca is way more interested in learning about the “murder house” than she is in being treated. After Bianca’s session, Ben makes a call to Tate’s mother to recommend a new therapist. He doesn’t feel comfortable treating Tate in his home anymore. During the call, he discovers Bianca was wandering around his house and didn’t actually leave.

That night, the house alarm goes off. Ben runs downstairs, grabbing a baseball bat and his abs, to scare off any intruders.

Ben finds the front door open and Constance’s creepy daughter in the basement playing catch and laughing it up with no one.

The next day, Ben lies to Vivien about why he needs to go out of town. While Ben is away, Vivien and Violet are left home alone. There’s a knock at the door from a crying girl with blood on her head asking to come in. (sound familiar?) Vivien doesn’t open the door but goes to call for help. Before she does, she looks through the peep hole one more time and sees this.

That’s when two other people, who were already in the house, take her and Violet hostage. They want to re-enact the crime from 1968. One of those two people is Ben’s patient, Bianca.

While the intruders are trying to get everything ready to re-enact the crime, Bianca finds the cupcakes that Constance made, gets the mid-crime spree munchies, and eats one.

Bianca instantly feels sick from the cupcake and starts barfing.

At one point, Violet trys to unsuccessfully get away when Tate shows up out of nowhere and tells her to lead the intruders to the basement.  Then Tate magically appears upstairs where Bianca is throwing up in the bathroom and gives her the ole axe-to-the-stomach. One intruder down, two to go.

Meanwhile, the male intruder forces Vivien to put on a nurse’s uniform downstairs. She takes the opportunity to knock him out cold with some pottery. Violet tells the third female intruder that the house was remodeled and the bathtub where the actual crime happened was now in the basement. Violet leads her to the basement where Tate is waiting to kill her. Two intruders down, one to go. Violet runs upstairs, grabs her mom, and they go screaming down the street like lunatics for help. Constance sees them screaming from her window.

Back at the house, the male intruder comes to and runs down to the basement to get his friends. They are both dead and the pissed-off ghosts of the dead nurse and girl from 1968 are waiting to kill him.

Constance, the maid, and Tate all show up in the basement and gather around the dead bodies. The audience realizes that Tate is somehow connected to Constance and the maid. The 3 of them agree they need to clean up the bodies if they want to make sure that Ben keeps treating Tate.

Ben sees he has 13 (lucky number?) missed calls from home while waiting in the abortion clinic. He rushes home just in time to miss all the action. He wants to know how Tate ended up in the house. Violet doesn’t know, but he saved her life, so she also doesn’t care. He’s back on her good side. Nothing like getting your life saved to forget about the raging demon you saw him become!

Vivien was upset that Ben wasn’t around to protect them. Now Vivien wants to sell the house.

If you watched the episode, let’s talk about it in the comments! 🙂

(Note: I left out a few details that weren’t 100% relevant to this episode’s story. So if you want to see what I left out, go watch it!)

American Horror Story in Two Minutes

American Horror Story premiered last night. The show was created by Ryan Murphy, who created Nip/Tuck and Glee. It’s about as far away from Glee as you can get. This show is on the David Lynch scale of weird and even that might be putting it lightly. It’s way too weird for me not to watch again next week. I thought I would recap it for you, mostly because I have nothing better to do.

Dylan McDermott is a husband, father, Psychiatrist, and an owner of a luscious set of abs. Dylan takes care of all the nude shots in this one, ladies.

Connie Britton is his paranoid wife that always thinks her home has intruders when she hears any noise. She also had a miscarriage almost a year ago and is still traumatized by it.

Dylan McDermott’s character cheated on his wife, she caught him in the act, and now she’s even more screwed up than she was when she just had the miscarriage to dwell on.

So, they did what any normal family would do – moved to a creepy new house in the middle of nowhere to try to restart their life.

Oh, they also have a daughter that likes to cut herself and an ankle-biting dog that I don’t think will live long.

The previous owners of the house are all dead or crazy. The dude from True Blood (who lost all sorts of weight) used to live in the house and warned Dylan McDermott that it was evil while drooling uncontrollably because half of his face is burned off.

A maid shows up out of nowhere and tells the wife that she has been the maid in the house for all the previous owners. It’s the mom from Six Feet Under! She has a creepy eye and isn’t much for pleasantries, but convinced the wife that she needs a maid too. BAM! She’s hired!

However, Dylan McDermott doesn’t see the mom from Six Feet Under like everyone else does. He sees this little hottie who keeps hitting on him and now he’s all tempted to cheat on his wife again.

Dylan McDermott treats patients in his home to spend more time with his family. He treats this whack job that also looks like a demon in strobing lights. His daughter starts to date the whack job, but then rejects him because he’s super creepy, and now he’s super pissed.

Jessica Lange is the next door neighbor. She knows something about the maid that the audience doesn’t know yet. She also knows all about the house and how evil it is. She likes to let herself in the house unannounced and, in general, be a total bitch.

Jessica Lange has a daughter with Down’s Syndrome (?) that is super creepy, likes to tell people they are going to die, and sees all the dead people that were killed in the house previously. She gets blamed for doing things the dead people do, but she deserves it because she is a bitch just like her mother.

While the family was moving in, they find a leather suit hanging in the attic from one of the previous owners.

 

The wife wants Dylan to throw it away, so he does. Then one night, someone in the leather suit shows up in the bedroom, the wife thinks it’s her husband, so she has sex with him.

Now she’s pregnant and doing yoga.

The end.

Did anyone watch it besides this girl? 🙂