Bittersweet

I made a conscious effort to start blogging more often in mid-December and even wrote a couple posts within a week to get back into it. The day after my last post, and the morning of my flight home after visiting my brother in San Diego, he told me that he was just diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and that he wouldn’t be around to see next Christmas. Here I am less than 10 weeks later and he’s gone.

So needless to say, it’s been a really rough couple of months for my family and I. I don’t like to get *too* personal on the blog, not because I’m afraid of putting stuff “out there” but because that’s just not my personality. I also don’t want to not write about him because he’s on my mind all the time. So I decided I’d put together some of my thoughts:

I’m heartbroken that your time was cut short.

I’m heartbroken that you were in so much pain.

I’m heartbroken for your three kids that lost an amazing father.

I’m heartbroken for my mother who had to outlive her son.

I’m amazed you were able to become an ordained minister (what?) while you were sick to officiate your best friend’s wedding.

I’m amazed by the outpouring of love and support you had from your friends and family near and far (that even the hospice nurse couldn’t believe).

I’m happy that I was able to spend the past month with you.

I’m happy that you we’re able to keep your sense of humor somehow through the whole thing.

I’m happy I was able to tell you how much I love you.

I’m happy I had the chance to say goodbye.

I’m happy I was with you for your last breath because I know you would have done it for me.

My brother wanted his life celebrated, not mourned, so I will remember you, not as someone who is sick and in pain, but as the fun, funny, intelligent, level-headed, advice-giving, concert-loving guy you were.

I will remember you for all our fun evenings together.

I will remember you for giving me away at my wedding when Dad couldn’t.

I will remember you as the guy with an amazing sense of patience and giving. (Where did that come from? Because I certainly don’t have it.)

I will remember you as the guy that always took care of me when you could.

I will remember you as the guy that took care of everyone else.

I will remember you as the guy who loved his family more than anything.

I will just always remember you.